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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell