I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows