I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
You Might Also Like
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
We found love in a hopeless place.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”