How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me