My birthstone is a sushi roll.
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.