Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
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reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]