Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
A French press is when you hug naked
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Name another movie that mislead you?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.