I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
sigh
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Travel bloggers during quarantine
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
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