Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started