Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My blood type is coffee.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?