My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
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The struggle is real
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle