I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment