If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
that colleague who touches your screen
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.