My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business