Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
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Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign