ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?