Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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WWE is French for “yes”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
All set.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.