I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
You Might Also Like
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
this is how life feels
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
sigh
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.