My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants