“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
You Might Also Like
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
For anyone who needs this today
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
#ProTip
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
ugh not again
Me sliding into hell like
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back