How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.