me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You Might Also Like
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Sign of the day..
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.