there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside