Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
You Might Also Like
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
A roof is a house hat.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Cashiers are always checking me out
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Duolingo getting serious.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”