She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
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Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
accurate
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.