good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
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[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.