I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski