My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*