Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I forgot how to panic. Help
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.