good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
why no one uses midhusbands
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits