dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Good advice.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”