[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”