Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
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gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The human personality is made of five key elements
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.