“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you