I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Autocorrect is my menesis
🤣🤣🤣
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
love it when they get my name right
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.