Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.