Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
There’s never enough good news
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing