There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L