I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…