Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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Thoughts
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My current situation
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
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