[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap