Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
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Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.