My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Can Happiness buy money?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
So inspired right now.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”