I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Brb my Sims are getting married
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.