As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Bike for sale
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.