Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat