ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!