Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
A bold strategy
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”