Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
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*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Lol.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it