[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.